Pillow Talk

"What I found at Stein Mart" Part 2:

Ya Ya's:
A group of three or more women whose hearts and souls are joined together by laughter and tears shared through the glorious journey of life.

I've talked about extraneous apostrophe usage before, so you'll understand why this pillow struck me as inappropriate. And it's not just the gratuitous girl-power -- although that's rather annoying, as well.

Here's to a Bad Sign

If you have ever longed to possess a feel-good wall plaque that would impart words of wisdom to your house guests, I have just the store for you. Behold the sagacious sign I found at Stein Mart (one of many!):

Here's to a good woman,
May we know them,
May we be them,
May we raise them.

I will chalk up the creative comma usage to poetic license. But why not simply say, "Here's to good women," and solve the entire agreement problem? Another alternative: Because we don't have to worry about the annoying "him or her" dilemma (we are talking about women, after all), what's wrong with, "May we know her," etc.?

A side note: One could argue the third line should read, "May we be they," much the same way a traditionalist would argue that we should say, "It is I," because the verb "to be" should link noun phrases of the same case. But this sign is clearly a little more homey and colloquial than all that, so let's give it a pass.

We Are One

Warning: By drinking these special and delightful beverages, you become part of the collective. One mind. One heart. How disturbing. (Christina found this one on a vending machine in Japan. I had heard the Japanese are a more group-oriented people, but I did not realize they took it this far!)

Beauty Saloon

Christina sent me this one all the way from Japan, where apparently a haircut and a beer is considered one-stop shopping.

I do hope the concept of the beauty saloon catches on here in the states. I'll finally have someplace to hitch my horse when I go in for a trim.

Slice of Splice

Menus are notorious sufferers of poor grammar and punctuation, mostly owing to the profusion of non-native speakers who draft many of the most flawed. This menu, however, has no such excuse.

The menu asks diners to "please notify server if you have an allergy, some products are made with nuts." Good to know, but next time, perhaps the menu-maker can ask us without a comma splice.

A comma splice is a sentence in which two independent clauses are joined by a comma with no conjunction -- in other words, a run-on sentence. But not to worry. There are several easy fixes:

1. Replace the comma with a period and capitalize the next letter. (Not so easy when you write in ALL CAPITAL LETTERS.)
Please notify server if you have an allergy. Some products are made with nuts.

2. Replace the comma with a semicolon.
Please notify server if you have an allergy; some products are made with nuts.

3. Add a coordinating conjunction after the comma (and, but, so, or, nor, for, yet).
Please notify server if you have an allergy, for some products are made with nuts.

4. Make one of the sentences a dependent clause and delete the comma.
Please notify server if you have an allergy because some products are made with nuts.

Not Going Anywhere

This weekend, I happened upon a bottle of wine that caught my attention. Oxford Landing's label boasts, rather enigmatically, "Established Since 1958."

Usually in a phrase like this, one would expect the label-maker to use "establish" as a verb, as in "the vineyard was established in 1958," or "established in 1958," to be brief.

But in the case of Oxford Landing, the label-maker is using "established" as an adjective, defined as "settled securely" or "introduced from another region and persisting without cultivation." I'm imagining a group of nomadic vintners, roaming the land in search of grapes for centuries before settling down in south Australia, thus establishing themselves.

Lies!

There's a song that's been getting on my nerves -- and not just because it lodges itself in my head and I find myself singing it in the shower. No, my beef is with its grammar.

The offender is Snow Patrol, and their offensive song is "Chasing Cars." The lyrics go like this:

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?

Maybe I'm being picky and old fashioned, but despite popular usage, there remains a difference between "lay" and "lie."

First, let's ignore the "lie" meaning "to tell an untruth" and turn our attention to the setting/reclining meaning of lay and lie. The significant difference is that "lay" requires a direct object. "Lie" does not.

Examples:
I lie in my bed. (no direct object)
I lay the blanket on the ground. ("the blanket" is the direct object)

The present tense is easy, but things get a little dicey with the past tense and the past participle. Here is how it breaks down: Lie = lie, lay, lain. Lay = lay, laid, laid.

Examples:
Lie: Right now, I lie in my bed. Yesterday, I lay in my bed. I have lain in my bed for days.
Lay: Right now, I lay the blanket on the floor. Yesterday, I laid the blanket on the floor. I have laid the blanket on the floor many times.

The bottom line:
The question Snow Patrol should be asking is:

If I lie here
If I just lie here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?

Got it, guys?

Err body in the club

Attack ads are pretty pathetic, but they are even more so when they contain ridiculous spelling errors. "Everbody" thinks you should spell check your propaganda.

Quote, Unquote

I've never copy edited a floor covering before, but I got my first opportunity this past weekend at a movie theater in Alexandria, Va. This colorful carpet in front of the concession stand was peppered with famous movie quotes -- everything from "The Godfather" to "Forrest Gump." Although it was fun to peruse while waiting for a bucket of popcorn and some Junior Mints, I couldn't help but scoff at its liberal use of punctuation.

This particular quote is from "Midnight Cowboy," which perhaps explains the wild, wild west treatment of quotation marks and apostrophes. If I could take a red pen to this carpet, I would suggest, "I'm walkin' here! I'm walkin' here!" But I don't think they'd take too kindly to my edits.

Tip of the Week: Possessive Acronyms

Everyone knows that to make a word plural, you add an “s.” To make a word possessive, you add an apostrophe (‘) and then an “s.” The same applies for acronyms.

Correct:
Something belongs to one chief executive officer (better known as a CEO): “The CEO’s life is hectic.”

More than one CEO: “Many CEOs attended the networking event.”

Something belongs to more than one CEO: “All CEOs’ lives are hectic.”

Contraction with “is” (informal): “The CEO’s coming to the networking event.”

Incorrect:
There are 12 CEO's on the board.

The Bottom Line:
Don't be fooled by those capital letters. Treat acronyms (CIA, ATM, UFO) like any other word when it comes to plural vs. possessive.

Stop the S's!

If you own a business, please learn how to spell "business."

(As an aside, for those of you who would argue the apostrophe in this entry's title, I am following the AP Stylebook's guidelines regarding pluralizing single letters.)

Bad Grammar Rears Its Head

I'm not usually one to pick on a person's spoken grammar too harshly. If one were to transcribe everything I've said out loud, I'm sure I'd be quite embarrassed. However, some spoken grammar transgressions are too egregious to ignore: when sentences cease to adhere to the basic subject-predicate format, looping about endlessly with phrases and clauses dangling in the ether, you no longer deserve the benefit of the doubt. Enter Sarah Palin.

This amusing Slate article attempts to diagram some of Palin's most colorful interview answers to date. Perhaps Palin's nervousness caused this verbal diarrhea; perhaps these words represent a lame attempt to include every political buzzword in each response; perhaps they are a reflection of a confused mind. Regardless of whether you agree with the "content" of her answers, grammar enthusiasts should concur that these sentences stray quite far from the acceptable limits of the English language.

Mavriks and Morans

The political process often brings out the worst in us, and in these cases, it brought out the worst spelling. When it comes to "morans," perhaps this gentleman was illustrating the point that it takes one to know one, but ultimately, I think his sign undermines its own message. Also, while John McCain purports to be a "maverick," I don't suppose he had maverick spelling in mind. In both instances, if you can't say something correctly, it's better to say nothing at all.

Gross Miscalculation

Within weeks after the 1990 launch of the Hubble Space Telescope, observers noticed a serious problem with its optical system, which was returning fuzzier-than-expected images. Scientists discovered that the multi-billion-dollar telescope's mirror was barely 2.3 micrometers off from the required shape -- a small miscalculation that caused very large, very expensive problems.

Beverly Willis, who penned this letter to the editor of the Catonsville Times, also made a serious miscalculation regarding the distance of her car from the curb. She seems to find it strange that it would be "illegal to park more than 12 feet from the curb." By my calculations, that would put you on the other side of the street. So yes, Beverly, it really is "that big of a deal if [you're] parked 18 feet from the curb as opposed to 12." The extra six feet will, indeed, obstruct the public safety of your neighborhood. Thanks for asking.

You're Spelingg Sux

This bumper sticker has two errors for the price of one. I think most of us are familiar with the oh-so-funny car accessory and T-shirt phrase, "If you can read this, you're too close." However, this version missed the mark -- by a mile. Honk if you love grammar!

Better Than Christmas?

Happy National Punctuation Day! Finally, a holiday to which I can really relate. Check out the photo evidence of poor punctuation at work in the community.

Breakfast of Champions

I'm not even going to guess what the sign maker meant by this. All I can say is you better start saving your cash if you want to order a spoon, too.

Thanks, Kate. Ohio is just full of these little gems, isn't it?

Tip of the Week: Use vs. Utilize

Many people interchange “use” and “utilize.” Some feel that “utilize” sounds fancier or smarter. However, most cases, “use” is the better choice.

“Utilize” means “make use of,” as in when you are using an object for something other than its intended purpose.

Examples:
When we are out of plastic spoons in the kitchen, I utilize a fork to eat my yogurt.
(While this is not the fork’s intended use, I am making use of it.)

Frank utilized his laptop as a pillow and took a nap at his desk.
(His laptop is not supposed to be used a pillow, but he made use of it as such.)

Please use the form on the website to register for the event.
(This is the form’s intended use, so use it.)

The Bottom Line:
While it doesn’t sound as fancy, “use” is the most appropriate word almost every time. Think twice before using “utilize.”

Less is More

I have a special request from Kate, who writes:

"Please address Gardasil's annoying 'one less' slogan. For the love of all things holy, I will not be one less woman with cervical cancer! I will be one fewer! I'd rather get genital warts than buy into that grammatically incorrect company!"

As Kate so aptly points out, Gardasil, a vaccine against HPV (a virus that causes genital warts and has been linked to cervical cancer) has been running some pretty offensive ads on TV lately. While Gardasil seeks to protect young girls from a potentially life-threatening condition, it also inoculates them with poor grammar in the form of its "One Less" slogan. Although it's admittedly less catchy, the slogan, indeed, should be "One Fewer."

"Less" versus "fewer" represents a common grammar pitfall with a simple explanation. "Less" modifies mass nouns, and "fewer" modifies nouns you can count. For example, you would say, "There are fewer eggs in this basket" because you can count how many eggs are in the basket. However, you would say, "There is less sunlight today" because you can't count "sunlights."

Perhaps because of its brevity, "less" often sneaks in where "fewer" should be, such as in the "10 items or less" line at the grocery store. (If you can count the items in your basket, it should be "10 items or fewer.") In Gardasil's case, the number of women with cervical cancer is countable, and therefore, if you are not among that number, you will be "one fewer."

Probably Certainly

CNN effectively watered down its dire predictions for Hurricane Ike with this rather meaningless phrase: Forecasters warn Ike may bring "certain death" (emphasis mine).

Because there is no way to be "a little bit dead," I guess most everything that can cause death can also cause "certain" death, including Hurricane Ike, weapons of mass destruction and trans fats.

Thanks to Sarah for spotting this say-nothing headline!

Concert of One

Unless you have multiple personalities, you can't get together with yourself to produce a "concerted effort," as this high school president seems to think.

By definition, a concerted effort is one performed together in cooperation with others. Contrary to popular belief, it does not mean "large" or "dedicated" or "determined." Especially if you are in the position to teach our children, please think twice before calling any of your own efforts "concerted."

Tip of the Week: Everyday vs. Every day

Everyday
“Everyday” is an adjective meaning “daily” or “for ordinary days.”

Examples:
Going to Starbucks is an everyday activity for Brenda. (a daily activity)

Instead of her everyday coffee, she ordered a mocha frappuccino. (instead of her coffee for ordinary days)

Every day
“Every day” is a time expression meaning “each day.”

Example:
I go to Starbucks every day. (I go to Starbucks each day.)

The bottom line:
If you can replace the expression with “each day,” use “every day.” If you can replace the expression with “daily,” use “everyday.”

Curse of the Apostrophe

Apostrophes are powerful pieces of punctuation. With one stroke, a writer can change a plain old plural noun into a proud owner. However, some seem to view the apostrophe as mere decoration to be used at the whim of the writer. Both of these signs had a 50/50 chance of choosing the correct use of the apostrophe, and both chose poorly.

"No dog's allowed" would seem to imply that the "allowed" belongs to the dog and that there is none of it. Perhaps I should bring my dog there to increase their supply. (Thanks to Kate for spotting this victim of poor apostrophe usage.)

A caveat: Perhaps what this sign is attempting to convey is "no dog is allowed." Although it is an unconventional use of the phrase, I must concede it is possible.

And once again, my office parking lot provides yet another source of mangled English. "Towed at owners expense" doesn't make any sense at all. I plan to use this logic as a defense in court when I get sued for refusing to pay my towing fee.

This Won't Take Long

Some people have it all: a loving family, caring friends, health, wealth and abundance. Others, apparently, aren't so lucky. For those cursed few, a little shop in Ohio offers the perfect decoration.

I See an Error in Your Future

This sign is posted in the window of a nearby psychic. Apparently this psychic did not foresee the need for a wider sign.

Momumental Mistake

Parking near my office is often a dicey proposition, so when these signs appeared in front of 10 premium spots, we were none too pleased. And the fact that all 10 of these signs boast a "momumental" spelling error offered little consolation.

For the record, the pharmacy in question is Monument Pharmacy. I suppose there was a momumental miscommunication with the sign company.

Tip of the Week: Affect vs. Effect

In most cases, “affect” and “effect” have the following meanings:

“Affect” is a verb that means, “to influence something.”
Example: Your attitude affects my mood. (Your attitude influences my mood.)

“Effect” is a noun, referring to the result that something caused.
Example: Your attitude had a positive effect. (Your attitude had a positive result.)

Exceptions to the rule:
“Affect” can be used as verb meaning “attempt to convey something untrue or misleading”
Example: The American affected an English accent. (The American attempted to convey an English accent.)

“Effect” can be used as a verb that means, “to bring about.”
Example: The large company effected a hostile takeover of the start-up company. (The large company brought about the hostile takeover of the start-up company.)

The bottom line:
If you are looking for a noun, choose “effect.” If you are looking for a verb that means, “to influence,” choose “affect.”

Beware of Fingers

Ah, the state fair. It's a place where you can find prize farm animals, oversize produce, an assortment of delectables on a stick, and pronouns with no antecedents.

My best friend, Christina, was enjoying the fair's bunny collection when she happened upon this sign: "Please do not put fingers in the rabbit cages. They may bite."

There are a couple of possibilities here. The noun that directly precedes the pronoun "they" is "rabbit cages," leading one to believe that should you poke a digit in there, the bars will transform into chomping teeth. The other, more intriguing possibility is that your own fingers will turn on themselves in a cannibalistic fashion. I am certain, however, that neither of these fun interpretations reflect intentions of the sign maker.

Thanks, Christina, for your vigilante copy editing!

Fun with the OED

So that you don't think I spend all my time reading chick lit, I wanted to tell you about a quirky book I just finished: "Reading the OED" by Ammon Shea. Part memoir, part dictionary of obscure and delightful words, "Reading the OED" is Shea's account of a year spent in library basements absorbing every page of the very famous, very long Oxford English Dictionary. Despite his increasingly intense migraines and utter lack of social life, he made reading the OED sound rather fun.

The good news is that we don't have to devote a year of our lives to reading the OED because Shea documents the highlights, including one of my favorite entries for the word "cellarhood," meaning "the state of being a basement." I can't imagine when I would use such a word, but I am determined to work it into casual conversation. For example:

• I plan to rescue my basement from its cellarhood by adding some drywall and a big-screen TV next year.

There. I challenge you to come up with a better one.

Tip of the Week: However

“However” (meaning “nevertheless”) is a conjunctive adverb, which serves as a transition between two independent sentences. Other conjunctive adverbs include “hence,” “therefore,” “moreover” and “consequently.” The following rules apply to all conjunctive adverbs.

Unlike the coordinating conjunctions “and,” “but” and “so,” “however” requires a full stop, not just a comma.

Correct Examples:

1. I would attend the event. However, I am too busy. (Note the period before, and the comma after “however.”)

2. I would attend the event; however, I am too busy.

3. I would attend the event. I am too busy, however. (Note the comma before “however.”)

4. I would like to attend the event. According to my assistant, however, I am too busy. (Note that “however” is set off by commas.)

Incorrect Example:

I would attend the event, however I am too busy. (Note that “but” would work in this case.)

Really picky stuff:

Remember that “however” also can mean “whatever way.” In this case, the above rules do not apply.

Example: However you prefer to repay your loan is fine with me.

Published proceeds

I just cracked open a new book last night, a fine selection of chick lit that has been languishing in a box since my last birthday. "American Girls About Town" promised short stories from 14 great American women authors, with proceeds from the book sales benefiting the Make-A-Wish Foundation.

Certainly the proceeds are not going toward retaining high-quality copy editors because the second sentence dazzles us with this perfectly executed dangling modifier: "Originally published in the United Kingdom and Ireland, a portion of the proceeds from each book sold were given ..."

I am guessing that it is rather counterproductive to publish even a portion of your proceeds, were that even possible. But let's overlook this little point -- and the unnecessary use of the passive voice -- and concentrate on the bigger picture: that needy children are benefiting from this collection of stories about sex and shopping. You go, girl!

Take my assistant, please!

I was about to delete this little gem from my spam filter, but I decided to save it for your enjoyment.

When I read this, I just couldn't shake the image of Mrs. Sarah Frank desperately longing for my assistant with the force of eight exclamation marks. If only I had an assistant to give you! (!!!!!!!)