As Good As Your Word

"H" is for "Huh?"

2009-11-16T09:00:00.004-05:00

This pharmacist's credentials come with a little something extra.

How to use an apostrophe

2009-11-06T14:33:00.003-05:00

A fun little lesson on apostrophes.

Everyday Abuses

2009-11-04T09:07:00.005-05:00

I do feel sorry for Jon Gosselin's girlfriend:

"I get threats everyday. I get called a home wrecker and a fat whore. People will stare or point. It gets worse everyday."

Poor girl doesn't know the difference between "everyday" and "every day." I feel so bad for her.

Halloween Horrors

2009-10-29T09:49:00.005-04:00

That sure looks like a "shark eating man," don't you think? Perhaps a man eating shark would look something more like this:

To be or not to be

2009-08-07T08:55:00.003-04:00

Something is missing from this invitation. Whatever could it be?

We would delighted
If you could join us

Don't forget the soup!

2009-07-30T14:09:00.002-04:00

This Thai restaurant is BYOS -- bring your own soup:

Lunch Special
Come With Soup

Unfortunate Cookie

2009-07-23T09:06:00.006-04:00

Do you think if I forgive this comma splice, my fortune will come true?

Don't be hasty, prosperity will knock on your door soon.

Prosperity, I am waiting!

For Months

2009-07-13T09:43:00.002-04:00

From a road closure announcement:

The orange barrels and barricades won't move for about for months.

The homophones strike again!

People who live in glass houses ...

2009-07-07T09:29:00.004-04:00

I received a press release this morning from a "veteran" English teacher promoting her new book, "My Dog Bites the English Teacher." The press release touts the book as a grammar primer that will help you to improve your college essays and to get a job with your stellar cover letter. However, the author of the press release isn't wowing me with her grammar guru status. A few examples:

But it is.
(So the author has a penchant for starting sentences with conjunctions. Yet she says later on that fragments are bad. And that's puzzling to me.)

This gives a negative first impression which can lose you an interview.
(This gives a negative first impression that the author does not understand the distinction between "that" and "which.")

Picture this ever so common situation:
(It is an ever-so-common problem to forget your hyphens when you are modifying a noun with an adjectival phrase.)

So Anders is on a mission to change the way grammar is taught.
(The second part of this sentence smacks of passive voice. Who is teaching this grammar, anyway? I hope not Anders.)

Celeb's Love Grody FroYo

2009-07-01T16:55:00.003-04:00

I wouldn't question a celeb's love of frozen yogurt. I do question the use of apostrophes to pluralize. Tsk, tsk.

Side note to the headline writer who pulled "grody" out of the vault: The '80s called. They want their word back.

Goat Soap

2009-06-25T09:08:00.003-04:00

Oh, look! A nice little soap sample. Let's see what's in it, shall we?

Honey Oatmeal Goat
Milk Soap Sample

Honey, oatmeal, milk -- those sound like reasonable soap ingredients. But goat? I'm not so sure I'm on board with that one.

Thanks, Kate, for sharing your, uh, unique soap with me!

Parties on boat-loving stars

2009-06-19T14:07:00.004-04:00

Some things I bet you didn't know about Kim Kardashian:

1. She looks good in other people's bodies.
Kim Kardashian rocks a purple bikini and other beach bodies.

2. Together with her sisters, Kim hosts her parties on her fellow celebrities, who happen to like boats.
The Kardashian sisters party on an Aussie yacht and other boat-loving stars.

Those Kardashians! What will they do next!

A Little Junk Mail

2009-06-12T10:44:00.008-04:00

If you expect high grammar standards from your junk mail, you are inevitably setting yourself up for disappointment. But really, I think Toyota could do better than this:

We can MILLIONS TO LEND!

Toyota, may I suggest some revisions?
1. We have millions to lend!
2. We can lend millions!
3. We will hire a proofreader!

Speaking of "Your" ...

2009-06-10T09:37:00.004-04:00

While we're talking about the important, yet oft-neglected distinction between "your" and you're," I present this little bungle compliments of CakeWrecks.

Congrats
you're photo here

Unless this cake is telling me that I am a photo, I think something is amiss.

Your a Looser

2009-06-05T14:07:00.003-04:00

I can only hope this is some sort of joke. Please let this shirt be a joke, and please let it be purchased only by those who get the joke. Please!

Parents: A Poem

2009-06-02T09:16:00.003-04:00

The only way I can make sense of this sign is to interpret it as some sort of poem. Therefore, I give you my literary analysis:

The poem is called, "PARENTS," and it examines the delicate balance between freedom and safety. "Childrens" must be a stylized reference to the title, illuminating the fluidity between youth and adulthood. The quotation marks call to mind the irony of our so-called "words" in attempting to define such elusive concepts.

This sign is not an editor's nightmare after all. It is a work of art. Bravo!

Oh So Wrong

2009-05-27T10:50:00.005-04:00

This is a clipping from a Sarasota, Fla., newspaper, a fact that makes me very, very sad for newspapers in general and copy editors in particular. There is so much to pick on in this one little sentence that I don't even know where to begin.

"Weather your in the mood to just sip on a martini and watch the cars go by on your patio, or your ready for a Big Night Out with drinking and dancing, we hope you'll join us."

1. I think you meant "whether." Those darn homophones!
2. Speaking of homophones, there is a big difference between “your” and “you’re.”
3. The cars are going by on the patio, are they? Makes it hard to enjoy your martini.
4. Big Night Out is apparently a proper noun.
5. And (just to be picky), you split your infinitive: "to just sip."

Phewsh! I am all tuckered out from that one.

What to Where?

2009-05-20T13:01:00.008-04:00

When I attend art events, I never know what to wear. I think this flier is trying to help me out but is missing the mark. The little gecko guy and the funky lemur thing sure are jazzy, though!

Contractions

2009-05-14T16:13:00.001-04:00

I Worry About "There" Wine

2009-05-11T15:04:00.001-04:00

Basignani Winery, I know you are excited about your new wine, but please, slow down for a minute and think about your spelling before you post this to your website:

THERE HERE! THERE HERE! THERE HERE!

Hope their wine is better than their spelling.

Soybeans Against War!

2009-04-29T15:22:00.003-04:00

Who knew that we had pacifist plants in our midst? And that old people were dreaming about them -- again?

Apparently, CNN:

Rediscovering Peace Crop dreams in retirement.

Unfortunately, the article turned out to be substantially more mundane than the headline would suggest. Something about volunteers and Africa. Boring!

Flowers Hate Poor Punctuation

2009-04-13T17:11:00.001-04:00

Don't abuse apostrophes. It makes flowers very angry.

So True!

2009-04-02T12:51:00.001-04:00

This GraphJam chart pretty much sums it up.

Frozen Meet

2009-03-25T09:43:00.003-04:00

Check out this awesome MSNBC caption:

"Runner Janet Cool displays frozen meet during the grocery auction in Dallas, Pa."

Perhaps Ms. Cool also will by some carats, serial, pairs, and flower too go with her meet.

Homophones. They'll getcha every time.

Feeling Fusy

2009-03-24T09:19:00.003-04:00

Some house hunters might be picky about the number of bathrooms, the size of the bedrooms or the newness of the kitchen appliances. But even the pickiest of the bunch apparently are not fussy about spelling:

Show to your Fusiest Buyers !!!!

(Once again, I'll ignore the random capitalization and excessive punctuation.)

Tip of the Week: That vs. Which

2009-03-20T09:58:00.002-04:00

Ever notice that little squiggle you get sometimes in Word when you type in “that” vs. “which”? That happens because these words are not interchangeable, strictly speaking.

Essential vs. nonessential clauses:
Some modifying elements of a sentence are essential – they restrict the meaning of a modified term – while others are nonessential and don’t restrict the modified term’s meaning. These nonessential elements are set off with commas.

“That” is used in essential clauses and is not preceded by a comma. “Which” is used in nonessential clauses and is preceded by a comma.

Examples:
I bought the picture frames that were on sale.

“That were on sale” is an essential clause because the point of the sentence is that I did not just buy any frames; I bought “the frames that were on sale.” If I were to delete this clause, it would change the essential meaning of the sentence. Note that there is no comma before “that.”

We went to Harold's house, which is just across the street.

“Which is just across the street” is a nonessential clause because I can delete it without changing the essential meaning of the sentence. Because it is nonessential, set it apart with a comma.

Bottom Line:
If you leave out the element or put it somewhere else in the sentence, does the essential meaning of the sentence change? If so, the element is essential; if not, it is nonessential.

Irish I Were Subjunctive

2009-03-17T09:50:00.009-04:00

Happy St. Patty's Day! Today the Irish can teach us a little lesson in the use of the subjunctive mood.

Which of these pins is right?
Irish I were drunk!
Irish I was drunk!

Thanks to the subjunctive, "were" is the winner.

The oft overlooked subjunctive mood is a verb mood used in dependent clauses to express wishes, commands, emotion, possibility, judgment, opinion, necessity, or statements that are contrary to fact at present.

The past subjunctive is used after the verb to wish, as in "I wish he were Irish" or "I wished he were Irish." The past subjunctive also is used after the conjunction if in a contrary-to-fact statement, as in "If I were Irish, I would be drunk."

I happen to be mostly Polish, so, alas, I am sober.

Just for Fun

2009-03-13T09:36:00.002-04:00

OK, so the exclamation point does its job in making sure motorists in this little English village understand to slow down for the kittens, but still, I think "slow kittens" is much funnier.

The Royal We

2009-03-09T13:26:00.005-04:00

This top story seems to have taken "the royal we" a bit too far:

Princes sends note to family

I read the story, and there was only one prince involved. But clearly this headline writer wasn't sure if the prince constituted one person or many. Might as well cover all your bases with the plural noun and the singular verb, no?

Shim

2009-03-06T10:07:00.005-05:00

Finally, Twitter has proved its usefulness. It's not that I care what you're having for breakfast or what mood you happen to be in right now. And it's not that we're all dying to find out what Congress is micro-blogging about when they should be listening to the president's speech. No, Twitter, in its own small way, apparently is advancing the age-old conversation about the English language's lack of a gender-neutral pronoun. Read this article on CNN.com to find out more.

One of the most prevalent and irksome grammar mistakes is the use of "they" when you really mean "he or she," as in: A doctor must care for their patient, or Everyone hates their in-laws. But the alternatives are only marginally better: Everyone hates his or her in-laws (how cumbersome); Everyone hates his in-laws (now you're sexist).

I doubt it will happen in my lifetime, but I yearn for the day when a functional, widely accepted set of gender-neutral pronouns will come to the rescue. What about "shim" as a nice alternative to "him or her"? Anyone have any gender-neutral pronoun suggestions?

Secondly

2009-02-24T09:57:00.004-05:00

We might just be arguing semantics, but check out the last bullet point:

"The carry-out option is provided to you as a courtesy. If you require unlimited seconds, you must dine in."

First, after you have one "second," wouldn't your next helping be a "third"?

And second, what carry-out abuses could possibly have necessitated such a thoroughly passive-aggressive sign?

Four is Enough

2009-02-20T11:00:00.005-05:00

While protesting octo-mom's excess of children, this protester seems to be suffering from an over-abundance of his own:

MOM
8-is ENOUGH
4-A
MAL-PRACTICE
LAW-SUIT

I count four hyphens too many in this sign. Oh, protesters. When will you learn that your flagrant disregard for grammar and punctuation undermines your message?

Victory from the Sidelines

2009-02-17T09:29:00.009-05:00

I'm no football aficionado, but I'm pretty sure you have to make the winning plays on the actual field. People magazine thinks otherwise:

"Football fans Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore watch the Atlanta Falcons defeat the New Orleans Saints from the sidelines."

Well done, Falcons. Tomorrow we'll watch you defeat the Tennessee Titans from the concession stand.

Thanks to Christina for spotting the misplaced modifier.

Tip of the Week: Then vs. Than

2009-02-12T11:16:00.004-05:00

“Then” is most commonly used as an adverb meaning “at that time,” “next” or “as a consequence.”
Examples:
1. Betty got out on the dance floor, then did the Macarena. (Betty got out on the dance floor. Next, she did the Macarena.)
2. Doing the Macarena was more fun then. (Doing the Macarena was more fun at that time.)
3. If you don’t do the Macarena, then you are not cool. (If you don’t do the Macarena, as a consequence, you are not cool.)

“Than” is usually a conjunction that expresses comparison or choice.
Examples:
1. No dance is more awesome than the Macarena.
2. I would rather do the Macarena than the Electric Slide.

The bottom line:
When you are trying to convey time, use “then.” When you are trying to make a comparison, use “than.”

Milk Duds

2009-02-06T14:07:00.006-05:00

Valentine's Day is awful enough without people making it worse with their terrible grammar. Exhibit A:

"Your the milk to my cookie."

Yes, and your the death to my sanity. And don't those chocolate chips kinda looks like zits? Not very romantic.

Buy your valentine a very "special" card here.

Borne Identity

2009-01-30T16:13:00.003-05:00

I received an interesting grammar question from a former colleague who is the editor of a trade magazine. (Yeah, my friends ask me these sorts of questions -- I'm the life of the party.)

What’s the difference between "born" and "borne"? For example, I know this is correct: "I was born on Feb. 23." But which of these is correct?

"The Web site was borne out of the need for consumers to be able to shop for books online."
"The Web site was born out of the need for consumers to be able to shop for books online."

In the end, on deadline, we rewrote the sentence to remove "born" or "borne," but now I’m curious.

I didn't know the answer, but, being the grammar geek that I am, I decided to track it down. Here is what I found, compliments of Merriam-Webster:

Thanks to the vagaries of English spelling, bear has two past participles: born and borne. Traditionally, born is used only in passive constructions referring to birth: I was born in Chicago. For all other uses, including active constructions referring to birth, borne is the standard form: She has borne both her children at home. I have borne his insolence with the patience of a saint.

So it seems that in passive constructions, "born" is preferred. But in active construction, you'd use "borne." English is so very odd! What a crazy little rule. But fascinating!

One Little Adverb

2009-01-22T09:11:00.012-05:00

Can the placement of one adverb change the course of history? Barack Obama felt that an adverb out of order was sufficiently egregious as to warrant a do-over to dispel any doubts that he was, in fact, president of the United States.

Because of Chief Justice John Roberts' incorrect prompt and nerves on the part of both men, Obama deviated from the exact order of the oath as proscribed in the Constitution. (View the flub and read more about it here.)

The Constitution reads:
"I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States."

Obama said:
I, Barack… I, Barack Hussein Obama, do solemnly swear ... that I will execute … the office of president of the United States faithfully … and will to the best of my ability preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States. So help me God.

Does this misplacement mean, as some suggested, that Obama was not officially president? Obama technically became president at noon, before the oath was administered, and remained president with or without the oath. But why take any chances? The following day, Roberts and Obama gave the oath another try, this time without any hiccups.

Side note: Strict grammarians would argue that Roberts was right in finagling the adverbial information. After all, the Constitution's framers split the infinitive by inserting "faithfully" between the auxiliary verb "will" and the verb "execute." The New York Times offers some insight.

Concert of One, Part 2

2009-01-14T11:21:00.009-05:00

It is not every day that I get a chance to pick on The New York Times Magazine -- a publication that boasts some of the world's most skilled copy editors. But it would seem even The Times fell victim to the "sole concerted effort." This passage appeared in a Jan. 6, 2009, article, "Who Would Jesus Smack Down."

Lately, he has made a concerted effort to tone down his language ...

"He" refers to one Mark Driscoll, a Neo-Calvinist preacher in the Seattle area. And unless he is channeling the Spirit to help him make amends, Driscoll apparently is alone in his efforts to tone down his language. As I've explained before, a "concerted" effort requires more than one participant. Amen.

Please????

2009-01-13T13:13:00.003-05:00

I visited Kate in Ohio a few months ago, and unfortunately, the book I was reading at the time ended up staying a little longer. (I left it on her floor -- oops!) Kate was nice enough to take my book to the UPS Store and ship it back to me. She was also nice enough to take a photo of this sign:

Please no Cell Phone useage while at the counter receiving services????

1. What's with all the question marks? (???)
2. Interesting alternative spelling of "usage."
3. Apparently the Cell Phone is now a proper noun.
4. Is the counter receiving services, or is the cell phone user?
5. The ultimate irony: Kate took the photo with her cell phone. Ha!

Cry Wolf

2009-01-08T14:06:00.007-05:00

Over the holiday, I visited the Phoenix Zoo in Arizona and learned about all kinds of interesting wildlife. I also learned that wolves don't know the difference between its and it's:

The maned wolf is sometimes called the fox-on-stilts. It's long legs help it to move around ... the tall grasses in it's grassland habitat.

That's twice in one sign. No wonder they are endangered.

Just for Fun

2009-01-02T12:26:00.003-05:00

I'm not the only "fewer" fanatic.

Pillow Talk

2008-12-22T10:25:00.008-05:00

"What I found at Stein Mart" Part 2:

Ya Ya's:
A group of three or more women whose hearts and souls are joined together by laughter and tears shared through the glorious journey of life.

I've talked about extraneous apostrophe usage before, so you'll understand why this pillow struck me as inappropriate. And it's not just the gratuitous girl-power -- although that's rather annoying, as well.

Here's to a Bad Sign

2008-12-12T15:55:00.006-05:00

If you have ever longed to possess a feel-good wall plaque that would impart words of wisdom to your house guests, I have just the store for you. Behold the sagacious sign I found at Stein Mart (one of many!):

Here's to a good woman,
May we know them,
May we be them,
May we raise them.

I will chalk up the creative comma usage to poetic license. But why not simply say, "Here's to good women," and solve the entire agreement problem? Another alternative: Because we don't have to worry about the annoying "him or her" dilemma (we are talking about women, after all), what's wrong with, "May we know her," etc.?

A side note: One could argue the third line should read, "May we be they," much the same way a traditionalist would argue that we should say, "It is I," because the verb "to be" should link noun phrases of the same case. But this sign is clearly a little more homey and colloquial than all that, so let's give it a pass.

We Are One

2008-11-19T16:20:00.004-05:00

Warning: By drinking these special and delightful beverages, you become part of the collective. One mind. One heart. How disturbing. (Christina found this one on a vending machine in Japan. I had heard the Japanese are a more group-oriented people, but I did not realize they took it this far!)

Beauty Saloon

2008-11-12T16:43:00.005-05:00

Christina sent me this one all the way from Japan, where apparently a haircut and a beer is considered one-stop shopping.

I do hope the concept of the beauty saloon catches on here in the states. I'll finally have someplace to hitch my horse when I go in for a trim.

Slice of Splice

2008-11-11T14:10:00.012-05:00

Menus are notorious sufferers of poor grammar and punctuation, mostly owing to the profusion of non-native speakers who draft many of the most flawed. This menu, however, has no such excuse.

The menu asks diners to "please notify server if you have an allergy, some products are made with nuts." Good to know, but next time, perhaps the menu-maker can ask us without a comma splice.

A comma splice is a sentence in which two independent clauses are joined by a comma with no conjunction -- in other words, a run-on sentence. But not to worry. There are several easy fixes:

1. Replace the comma with a period and capitalize the next letter. (Not so easy when you write in ALL CAPITAL LETTERS.)
Please notify server if you have an allergy. Some products are made with nuts.

2. Replace the comma with a semicolon.
Please notify server if you have an allergy; some products are made with nuts.

3. Add a coordinating conjunction after the comma (and, but, so, or, nor, for, yet).
Please notify server if you have an allergy, for some products are made with nuts.

4. Make one of the sentences a dependent clause and delete the comma.
Please notify server if you have an allergy because some products are made with nuts.

Not Going Anywhere

2008-11-10T11:38:00.005-05:00

This weekend, I happened upon a bottle of wine that caught my attention. Oxford Landing's label boasts, rather enigmatically, "Established Since 1958."

Usually in a phrase like this, one would expect the label-maker to use "establish" as a verb, as in "the vineyard was established in 1958," or "established in 1958," to be brief.

But in the case of Oxford Landing, the label-maker is using "established" as an adjective, defined as "settled securely" or "introduced from another region and persisting without cultivation." I'm imagining a group of nomadic vintners, roaming the land in search of grapes for centuries before settling down in south Australia, thus establishing themselves.

Lies!

2008-11-06T09:29:00.005-05:00

There's a song that's been getting on my nerves -- and not just because it lodges itself in my head and I find myself singing it in the shower. No, my beef is with its grammar.

The offender is Snow Patrol, and their offensive song is "Chasing Cars." The lyrics go like this:

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?

Maybe I'm being picky and old fashioned, but despite popular usage, there remains a difference between "lay" and "lie."

First, let's ignore the "lie" meaning "to tell an untruth" and turn our attention to the setting/reclining meaning of lay and lie. The significant difference is that "lay" requires a direct object. "Lie" does not.

Examples:
I lie in my bed. (no direct object)
I lay the blanket on the ground. ("the blanket" is the direct object)

The present tense is easy, but things get a little dicey with the past tense and the past participle. Here is how it breaks down: Lie = lie, lay, lain. Lay = lay, laid, laid.

Examples:
Lie: Right now, I lie in my bed. Yesterday, I lay in my bed. I have lain in my bed for days.
Lay: Right now, I lay the blanket on the floor. Yesterday, I laid the blanket on the floor. I have laid the blanket on the floor many times.

The bottom line:
The question Snow Patrol should be asking is:

If I lie here
If I just lie here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?

Got it, guys?

Err body in the club

2008-10-30T17:11:00.003-04:00

Attack ads are pretty pathetic, but they are even more so when they contain ridiculous spelling errors. "Everbody" thinks you should spell check your propaganda.

Quote, Unquote

2008-10-17T09:39:00.003-04:00

I've never copy edited a floor covering before, but I got my first opportunity this past weekend at a movie theater in Alexandria, Va. This colorful carpet in front of the concession stand was peppered with famous movie quotes -- everything from "The Godfather" to "Forrest Gump." Although it was fun to peruse while waiting for a bucket of popcorn and some Junior Mints, I couldn't help but scoff at its liberal use of punctuation.

This particular quote is from "Midnight Cowboy," which perhaps explains the wild, wild west treatment of quotation marks and apostrophes. If I could take a red pen to this carpet, I would suggest, "I'm walkin' here! I'm walkin' here!" But I don't think they'd take too kindly to my edits.

Tip of the Week: Possessive Acronyms

2008-10-16T10:04:00.005-04:00

Everyone knows that to make a word plural, you add an “s.” To make a word possessive, you add an apostrophe (‘) and then an “s.” The same applies for acronyms.

Correct:
Something belongs to one chief executive officer (better known as a CEO): “The CEO’s life is hectic.”

More than one CEO: “Many CEOs attended the networking event.”

Something belongs to more than one CEO: “All CEOs’ lives are hectic.”

Contraction with “is” (informal): “The CEO’s coming to the networking event.”

Incorrect:
There are 12 CEO's on the board.

The Bottom Line:
Don't be fooled by those capital letters. Treat acronyms (CIA, ATM, UFO) like any other word when it comes to plural vs. possessive.

Stop the S's!

2008-10-08T09:39:00.003-04:00

If you own a business, please learn how to spell "business."

(As an aside, for those of you who would argue the apostrophe in this entry's title, I am following the AP Stylebook's guidelines regarding pluralizing single letters.)

Bad Grammar Rears Its Head

2008-10-06T09:20:00.005-04:00

I'm not usually one to pick on a person's spoken grammar too harshly. If one were to transcribe everything I've said out loud, I'm sure I'd be quite embarrassed. However, some spoken grammar transgressions are too egregious to ignore: when sentences cease to adhere to the basic subject-predicate format, looping about endlessly with phrases and clauses dangling in the ether, you no longer deserve the benefit of the doubt. Enter Sarah Palin.

This amusing Slate article attempts to diagram some of Palin's most colorful interview answers to date. Perhaps Palin's nervousness caused this verbal diarrhea; perhaps these words represent a lame attempt to include every political buzzword in each response; perhaps they are a reflection of a confused mind. Regardless of whether you agree with the "content" of her answers, grammar enthusiasts should concur that these sentences stray quite far from the acceptable limits of the English language.

Mavriks and Morans

2008-10-01T13:18:00.009-04:00

The political process often brings out the worst in us, and in these cases, it brought out the worst spelling. When it comes to "morans," perhaps this gentleman was illustrating the point that it takes one to know one, but ultimately, I think his sign undermines its own message. Also, while John McCain purports to be a "maverick," I don't suppose he had maverick spelling in mind. In both instances, if you can't say something correctly, it's better to say nothing at all.

Gross Miscalculation

2008-09-26T09:45:00.004-04:00

Within weeks after the 1990 launch of the Hubble Space Telescope, observers noticed a serious problem with its optical system, which was returning fuzzier-than-expected images. Scientists discovered that the multi-billion-dollar telescope's mirror was barely 2.3 micrometers off from the required shape -- a small miscalculation that caused very large, very expensive problems.

Beverly Willis, who penned this letter to the editor of the Catonsville Times, also made a serious miscalculation regarding the distance of her car from the curb. She seems to find it strange that it would be "illegal to park more than 12 feet from the curb." By my calculations, that would put you on the other side of the street. So yes, Beverly, it really is "that big of a deal if [you're] parked 18 feet from the curb as opposed to 12." The extra six feet will, indeed, obstruct the public safety of your neighborhood. Thanks for asking.

You're Spelingg Sux

2008-09-25T09:08:00.004-04:00

This bumper sticker has two errors for the price of one. I think most of us are familiar with the oh-so-funny car accessory and T-shirt phrase, "If you can read this, you're too close." However, this version missed the mark -- by a mile. Honk if you love grammar!

Better Than Christmas?

2008-09-24T13:14:00.003-04:00

Happy National Punctuation Day! Finally, a holiday to which I can really relate. Check out the photo evidence of poor punctuation at work in the community.

Breakfast of Champions

2008-09-22T10:07:00.004-04:00

I'm not even going to guess what the sign maker meant by this. All I can say is you better start saving your cash if you want to order a spoon, too.

Thanks, Kate. Ohio is just full of these little gems, isn't it?

Tip of the Week: Use vs. Utilize

2008-09-18T10:18:00.002-04:00

Many people interchange “use” and “utilize.” Some feel that “utilize” sounds fancier or smarter. However, most cases, “use” is the better choice.

“Utilize” means “make use of,” as in when you are using an object for something other than its intended purpose.

Examples:
When we are out of plastic spoons in the kitchen, I utilize a fork to eat my yogurt.
(While this is not the fork’s intended use, I am making use of it.)

Frank utilized his laptop as a pillow and took a nap at his desk.
(His laptop is not supposed to be used a pillow, but he made use of it as such.)

Please use the form on the website to register for the event.
(This is the form’s intended use, so use it.)

The Bottom Line:
While it doesn’t sound as fancy, “use” is the most appropriate word almost every time. Think twice before using “utilize.”

Less is More

2008-09-16T10:35:00.007-04:00

I have a special request from Kate, who writes:

"Please address Gardasil's annoying 'one less' slogan. For the love of all things holy, I will not be one less woman with cervical cancer! I will be one fewer! I'd rather get genital warts than buy into that grammatically incorrect company!"

As Kate so aptly points out, Gardasil, a vaccine against HPV (a virus that causes genital warts and has been linked to cervical cancer) has been running some pretty offensive ads on TV lately. While Gardasil seeks to protect young girls from a potentially life-threatening condition, it also inoculates them with poor grammar in the form of its "One Less" slogan. Although it's admittedly less catchy, the slogan, indeed, should be "One Fewer."

"Less" versus "fewer" represents a common grammar pitfall with a simple explanation. "Less" modifies mass nouns, and "fewer" modifies nouns you can count. For example, you would say, "There are fewer eggs in this basket" because you can count how many eggs are in the basket. However, you would say, "There is less sunlight today" because you can't count "sunlights."

Perhaps because of its brevity, "less" often sneaks in where "fewer" should be, such as in the "10 items or less" line at the grocery store. (If you can count the items in your basket, it should be "10 items or fewer.") In Gardasil's case, the number of women with cervical cancer is countable, and therefore, if you are not among that number, you will be "one fewer."

Probably Certainly

2008-09-15T10:01:00.004-04:00

CNN effectively watered down its dire predictions for Hurricane Ike with this rather meaningless phrase: Forecasters warn Ike may bring "certain death" (emphasis mine).

Because there is no way to be "a little bit dead," I guess most everything that can cause death can also cause "certain" death, including Hurricane Ike, weapons of mass destruction and trans fats.

Thanks to Sarah for spotting this say-nothing headline!

Concert of One

2008-09-12T09:41:00.005-04:00

Unless you have multiple personalities, you can't get together with yourself to produce a "concerted effort," as this high school president seems to think.

By definition, a concerted effort is one performed together in cooperation with others. Contrary to popular belief, it does not mean "large" or "dedicated" or "determined." Especially if you are in the position to teach our children, please think twice before calling any of your own efforts "concerted."

Tip of the Week: Everyday vs. Every day

2008-09-08T17:20:00.004-04:00

Everyday
“Everyday” is an adjective meaning “daily” or “for ordinary days.”

Examples:
Going to Starbucks is an everyday activity for Brenda. (a daily activity)

Instead of her everyday coffee, she ordered a mocha frappuccino. (instead of her coffee for ordinary days)

Every day
“Every day” is a time expression meaning “each day.”

Example:
I go to Starbucks every day. (I go to Starbucks each day.)

The bottom line:
If you can replace the expression with “each day,” use “every day.” If you can replace the expression with “daily,” use “everyday.”

Curse of the Apostrophe

2008-08-21T14:09:00.009-04:00

Apostrophes are powerful pieces of punctuation. With one stroke, a writer can change a plain old plural noun into a proud owner. However, some seem to view the apostrophe as mere decoration to be used at the whim of the writer. Both of these signs had a 50/50 chance of choosing the correct use of the apostrophe, and both chose poorly.

"No dog's allowed" would seem to imply that the "allowed" belongs to the dog and that there is none of it. Perhaps I should bring my dog there to increase their supply. (Thanks to Kate for spotting this victim of poor apostrophe usage.)

A caveat: Perhaps what this sign is attempting to convey is "no dog is allowed." Although it is an unconventional use of the phrase, I must concede it is possible.

And once again, my office parking lot provides yet another source of mangled English. "Towed at owners expense" doesn't make any sense at all. I plan to use this logic as a defense in court when I get sued for refusing to pay my towing fee.

This Won't Take Long

2008-08-18T16:37:00.005-04:00

Some people have it all: a loving family, caring friends, health, wealth and abundance. Others, apparently, aren't so lucky. For those cursed few, a little shop in Ohio offers the perfect decoration.

I See an Error in Your Future

2008-08-15T11:44:00.002-04:00

This sign is posted in the window of a nearby psychic. Apparently this psychic did not foresee the need for a wider sign.

Momumental Mistake

2008-08-13T09:53:00.003-04:00

Parking near my office is often a dicey proposition, so when these signs appeared in front of 10 premium spots, we were none too pleased. And the fact that all 10 of these signs boast a "momumental" spelling error offered little consolation.

For the record, the pharmacy in question is Monument Pharmacy. I suppose there was a momumental miscommunication with the sign company.

Tip of the Week: Affect vs. Effect

2008-08-07T12:51:00.002-04:00

In most cases, “affect” and “effect” have the following meanings:

“Affect” is a verb that means, “to influence something.”
Example: Your attitude affects my mood. (Your attitude influences my mood.)

“Effect” is a noun, referring to the result that something caused.
Example: Your attitude had a positive effect. (Your attitude had a positive result.)

Exceptions to the rule:
“Affect” can be used as verb meaning “attempt to convey something untrue or misleading”
Example: The American affected an English accent. (The American attempted to convey an English accent.)

“Effect” can be used as a verb that means, “to bring about.”
Example: The large company effected a hostile takeover of the start-up company. (The large company brought about the hostile takeover of the start-up company.)

The bottom line:
If you are looking for a noun, choose “effect.” If you are looking for a verb that means, “to influence,” choose “affect.”

Beware of Fingers

2008-08-05T09:16:00.008-04:00

Ah, the state fair. It's a place where you can find prize farm animals, oversize produce, an assortment of delectables on a stick, and pronouns with no antecedents.

My best friend, Christina, was enjoying the fair's bunny collection when she happened upon this sign: "Please do not put fingers in the rabbit cages. They may bite."

There are a couple of possibilities here. The noun that directly precedes the pronoun "they" is "rabbit cages," leading one to believe that should you poke a digit in there, the bars will transform into chomping teeth. The other, more intriguing possibility is that your own fingers will turn on themselves in a cannibalistic fashion. I am certain, however, that neither of these fun interpretations reflect intentions of the sign maker.

Thanks, Christina, for your vigilante copy editing!

Fun with the OED

2008-08-01T14:36:00.002-04:00

So that you don't think I spend all my time reading chick lit, I wanted to tell you about a quirky book I just finished: "Reading the OED" by Ammon Shea. Part memoir, part dictionary of obscure and delightful words, "Reading the OED" is Shea's account of a year spent in library basements absorbing every page of the very famous, very long Oxford English Dictionary. Despite his increasingly intense migraines and utter lack of social life, he made reading the OED sound rather fun.

The good news is that we don't have to devote a year of our lives to reading the OED because Shea documents the highlights, including one of my favorite entries for the word "cellarhood," meaning "the state of being a basement." I can't imagine when I would use such a word, but I am determined to work it into casual conversation. For example:

I plan to rescue my basement from its cellarhood by adding some drywall and a big-screen TV next year.

There. I challenge you to come up with a better one.

Tip of the Week: However

2008-07-30T14:40:00.004-04:00

“However” (meaning “nevertheless”) is a conjunctive adverb, which serves as a transition between two independent sentences. Other conjunctive adverbs include “hence,” “therefore,” “moreover” and “consequently.” The following rules apply to all conjunctive adverbs.

Unlike the coordinating conjunctions “and,” “but” and “so,” “however” requires a full stop, not just a comma.

Correct Examples:

1. I would attend the event. However, I am too busy. (Note the period before, and the comma after “however.”)

2. I would attend the event; however, I am too busy.

3. I would attend the event. I am too busy, however. (Note the comma before “however.”)

4. I would like to attend the event. According to my assistant, however, I am too busy. (Note that “however” is set off by commas.)

Incorrect Example:

I would attend the event, however I am too busy. (Note that “but” would work in this case.)

Really picky stuff:

Remember that “however” also can mean “whatever way.” In this case, the above rules do not apply.

Example: However you prefer to repay your loan is fine with me.

Published proceeds

2008-07-29T16:56:00.010-04:00

I just cracked open a new book last night, a fine selection of chick lit that has been languishing in a box since my last birthday. "American Girls About Town" promised short stories from 14 great American women authors, with proceeds from the book sales benefiting the Make-A-Wish Foundation.

Certainly the proceeds are not going toward retaining high-quality copy editors because the second sentence dazzles us with this perfectly executed dangling modifier: "Originally published in the United Kingdom and Ireland, a portion of the proceeds from each book sold were given ..."

I am guessing that it is rather counterproductive to publish even a portion of your proceeds, were that even possible. But let's overlook this little point -- and the unnecessary use of the passive voice -- and concentrate on the bigger picture: that needy children are benefiting from this collection of stories about sex and shopping. You go, girl!

Take my assistant, please!

2008-07-29T16:33:00.004-04:00

I was about to delete this little gem from my spam filter, but I decided to save it for your enjoyment.

When I read this, I just couldn't shake the image of Mrs. Sarah Frank desperately longing for my assistant with the force of eight exclamation marks. If only I had an assistant to give you! (!!!!!!!)