Curse of the Apostrophe

Apostrophes are powerful pieces of punctuation. With one stroke, a writer can change a plain old plural noun into a proud owner. However, some seem to view the apostrophe as mere decoration to be used at the whim of the writer. Both of these signs had a 50/50 chance of choosing the correct use of the apostrophe, and both chose poorly.

"No dog's allowed" would seem to imply that the "allowed" belongs to the dog and that there is none of it. Perhaps I should bring my dog there to increase their supply. (Thanks to Kate for spotting this victim of poor apostrophe usage.)

A caveat: Perhaps what this sign is attempting to convey is "no dog is allowed." Although it is an unconventional use of the phrase, I must concede it is possible.

And once again, my office parking lot provides yet another source of mangled English. "Towed at owners expense" doesn't make any sense at all. I plan to use this logic as a defense in court when I get sued for refusing to pay my towing fee.

This Won't Take Long

Some people have it all: a loving family, caring friends, health, wealth and abundance. Others, apparently, aren't so lucky. For those cursed few, a little shop in Ohio offers the perfect decoration.

I See an Error in Your Future

This sign is posted in the window of a nearby psychic. Apparently this psychic did not foresee the need for a wider sign.

Momumental Mistake

Parking near my office is often a dicey proposition, so when these signs appeared in front of 10 premium spots, we were none too pleased. And the fact that all 10 of these signs boast a "momumental" spelling error offered little consolation.

For the record, the pharmacy in question is Monument Pharmacy. I suppose there was a momumental miscommunication with the sign company.

Tip of the Week: Affect vs. Effect

In most cases, “affect” and “effect” have the following meanings:

“Affect” is a verb that means, “to influence something.”
Example: Your attitude affects my mood. (Your attitude influences my mood.)

“Effect” is a noun, referring to the result that something caused.
Example: Your attitude had a positive effect. (Your attitude had a positive result.)

Exceptions to the rule:
“Affect” can be used as verb meaning “attempt to convey something untrue or misleading”
Example: The American affected an English accent. (The American attempted to convey an English accent.)

“Effect” can be used as a verb that means, “to bring about.”
Example: The large company effected a hostile takeover of the start-up company. (The large company brought about the hostile takeover of the start-up company.)

The bottom line:
If you are looking for a noun, choose “effect.” If you are looking for a verb that means, “to influence,” choose “affect.”

Beware of Fingers

Ah, the state fair. It's a place where you can find prize farm animals, oversize produce, an assortment of delectables on a stick, and pronouns with no antecedents.

My best friend, Christina, was enjoying the fair's bunny collection when she happened upon this sign: "Please do not put fingers in the rabbit cages. They may bite."

There are a couple of possibilities here. The noun that directly precedes the pronoun "they" is "rabbit cages," leading one to believe that should you poke a digit in there, the bars will transform into chomping teeth. The other, more intriguing possibility is that your own fingers will turn on themselves in a cannibalistic fashion. I am certain, however, that neither of these fun interpretations reflect intentions of the sign maker.

Thanks, Christina, for your vigilante copy editing!

Fun with the OED

So that you don't think I spend all my time reading chick lit, I wanted to tell you about a quirky book I just finished: "Reading the OED" by Ammon Shea. Part memoir, part dictionary of obscure and delightful words, "Reading the OED" is Shea's account of a year spent in library basements absorbing every page of the very famous, very long Oxford English Dictionary. Despite his increasingly intense migraines and utter lack of social life, he made reading the OED sound rather fun.

The good news is that we don't have to devote a year of our lives to reading the OED because Shea documents the highlights, including one of my favorite entries for the word "cellarhood," meaning "the state of being a basement." I can't imagine when I would use such a word, but I am determined to work it into casual conversation. For example:

• I plan to rescue my basement from its cellarhood by adding some drywall and a big-screen TV next year.

There. I challenge you to come up with a better one.